Let it Be

Sometimes I feel like writing because I want to complain about everything. I want to bitch about people and express my anger. But I know as soon as I write how I feel, some how some way someone will find it.

Its funny how we all bitch to someone about everything but then we still find another person to bitch about the one person you bitch to everyone to. Its a vicious cycle.

It is hard not to complain. We probably can’t go for an hour without complaining about work or about someone or about life. Complaining is part of our lives.

Having a new job from talking and socializing around me to not talking to anyone made me realize that I complain to people around me. I have all these little things to bitch about but I can only keep it to myself. I find it difficult and needing a way to let things out.

I am complaining that I can’t complain or have no one to complain to.

I didn’t really want him to come to the Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday, mainly because I can’t act myself around Andrew when he is there. But whatever, if he is going to be there than he will be.

Last Friday he was texting this girl Marissa and so I had a feeling that he might be seeing or dating this girl and plans to bring her. I prepared myself incase he does bring her and I was hoping that he would come on his own. Andrew and I got to the dinner first and then him and his girl came shortly after and my heart just sank when I heard a girls voice.

I couldn’t decide if she was pretty or not. She had this big bulgy nose, but she is asian, definitely an unusual nose for an asian chick. I watch them interact and he went to Florida last week for work and I heard her ask how was Florida, which seemed weird because if they were dating then she would have known. He would introduce her by name, not by ‘my girlfriend’. They weren’t touchy feely or talking to each other as if they were dating. But I wasn’t sure. Why would you bring a girl that you’re are interested to a close friends dinner party? Well, I guess you could, but you would be introducing to this girl to everyone and a lot of people. I just assumed that they were together. It was hard seeing them together, because all I could do is imagine them together and how lucky this girl is. He was getting her drinks and trying to get her drunk and I saw him kiss her hand and I felt like he did that intentionally in front of me because he knew I could see.  

Anyway, Andrew and I left around 11pm, we were so tired and he was being so obnoxious and getting really drunk. I heard today that he was trying to get closer to her but she wasn’t having it and she was talking to other people about another guy she was into. He was upset about that. I don’t know how it went since I wasn’t there, but its funny to hear that all this happened. In a way I feel bad but he gets too much when hes drunk.

In a way I felt that he brought this girl because he knew that Andrew and I were going to be there (facebook invitation) and most of the people at this dinner were couples. I guess I can’t say if I had anything to do with it, but I somehow feel that I may have some part of it.

I want to give him this look ‘I was so into you but you didn’t give us a chance, so you deserve this’. After seeing him on Saturday and hearing what happened after, how douchy he was, it makes me wonder if we would have worked. I definitely would not have liked him drinking as much as he does but maybe this is how he is being single. It definitely made me realize that I appreciate having Andrew as my boyfriend because he is really good to me and he wouldn’t be anything like he would be.

If bringing this girl had anything to do with me, it definitely made me feel shitty for a while, he got me there, but after finding out that shes not into him, it makes him look worse by trying to make me jealous or make me feel shitty.

I just want to say good luck to finding a girl that will appreciate you for who you are.

My heart aches.

It has been over a year and my heart still aches over this guy. I have this great man in my life but yet I am not completely satisfied.

We were at Cat’s Social House in Granville Island for this guy’s departure of our company. He showed up later and my heart sank a bit just because now I have to be in the same place as him. I already have a hard time as I see him at work. We moved from a table to a couch/lounge area. He sat next to me.

My feelings all came back again and it never went away. It was still stored in my heart. I have told myself to get over him and let him go because he didn’t want me. So why should I want him. My feelings still hung on. I’m torturing myself. He tortures me. I don’t know how he feels, but for some reason I feel that he still feels something. I can be wrong. He always laughs at my jokes and just makes me feel a certain way. But maybe he is like that with everyone.

We chatted quite a bit. It was hard. I just wanted us soooo bad. I just feel that we could be soo great together. I feel like he missed out on me and I feel that he feels that too. That is just wishful thing. I keep telling myself that we were never meant to be.

I feel that I can never love another man unless I let go of my feelings for him. But I don’t know if I ever will. I aleady feel guilty for feeling this way about him when I am with someone else. My feelings are so conflicted right now. I have never been with someone for 8 months and still feel for someone else.

How can I be happy with who I am with when I am thinking about someone else at the back of my head.

You’re not as good as you think you are. You’re a bitch. You are only friends with people that benefit you. You take advantage of people. I don’t agree with who you are as a person. I struggle being friends with you.

You know that im better than you. You try to bring me down. i dont like you. You were never that good at what you do. You dont deserve it. lots of ppl dont like you and wonder why you are where you are.